


4 AM [vian]

by zadisxn



Category: Nerve (2016)
Genre: F/M, my het babies, sad angst, they deserve the world, vian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 00:03:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17949722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zadisxn/pseuds/zadisxn
Summary: 4 am is an otherworldly time. those who consider themselves ‘night owls’ are finally asleep, and those who wake up early are still peacefully sleeping.orin which vee tries to comfort sam, whose head is full of ghastly memories that won't go away.





	4 AM [vian]

**Author's Note:**

> there's a huge reference from the book (nerve by jeanne ryan) in 4 AM. however, you don't have to read it to fully understand this oneshot. (but read it. please. it's seriously an amazing book).

this was the longest night of my life. it was probably four in the morning. _4 am_ is an otherworldly time. those who consider themselves ‘night owls’ are finally asleep, and those who wake up early are still peacefully sleeping.

 _peacefully_ , a state of mind that i couldn't quite seem to achieve for months now. my body felt weak, bruised. but i was fine, _everything was fine_. my head was full of ghastly memories. and they were scaring me. i could feel her, her body in my arms. she was gone, i thought. i could hear the crowd running by, yet i stayed still, in the middle of the arena, on the cold ground. i was holding her against me, trying to find a heartbeat. and i was hoping. i knew it was foolish, but i couldn’t let her go. i felt alone, the watchers ignored what they just did. they killed someone for the purpose of the entertainment. no one cared. no one _wanted_ to care. caring is for the weakest among us.

and then everything go back to a year before. when robbie fell from the crane. i was looking at my other teammate, feeling unsteady, powerless. i couldn’t quite realize what just happened. we stayed on the crane, meters away from the ground, meters away from our comfort zone. maybe for five minutes, but it felt like hours. we couldn’t move. i tried to tell myself that this sick game is only playing on one’s fears. they tried to scare us off by faking this guy’s death. this couldn’t be true. this couldn’t be happening. _i was in denial._

_in a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse._

in one night, i lost a stranger, a teammate, a guy who had his whole life in front of him. but i couldn't really believe it until i saw it on the news, the morning after, in the police office. _yes, it really happened_. there's that small fragment in which reality and fantasy both collide. collide into something greater yet scarier than everything we know.

i woke up. _4 am_. for the second time this week. my mind was drifting away. my thoughts were blurry. i wasn't sure of anything. i felt lost. i was in this small bed, staring straight at the ceiling, expecting for something to change. but nothing was happening. i was stuck in this same wheel of nightmares and scenarios that i knew myself would never happen again. my chest was hurting, i could feel my heartbeat in my ears.

i was caressing her soft, silky skin. it was _4 am._ she was asleep. everybody was. i wasn't.

— **having one of those nightmares again?** i could hear a faint, sleepy voice from the other side. hearing her voice was surprising yet it made me feel safe for a short moment. i wasn't alone at _4 am._

— **you're awake?**

— **i can't sleep.**

— **me neither.** i said, feeling like my voice was echoing in the small bedroom.

she turned around to face me and buried her small face against my chest. she intertwined her naked legs with mine.

— **it's been a year now. i'm here, you're safe. you have to _let it go._**

 _she knew_. it's like she had the ability to read my mind. but i couldn't let it go. and i hated myself for making her feel bad about me because my brain couldn't process that information and finally move on. i couldn't forget how i almost lost her, that night. i couldn’t even realize how lucky i was to have her close to me, right now.

— **i didn’t tell you that,**  she paused, maybe for too long, i could only hear her soft breath. **but 3 years ago, i attempted to kill myself.** another deadly pause. **well, that's what my mom always thought. no wonder why she was really overprotective when i played nerve.** i didn't want to ask any questions. i didn't want to speak—i couldn't say anything.

— **a-a-and as much as i'd like to think it was an accident,** she struggled with her words, **and that i didn't want to kill myself, part of me always thought, maybe i really wanted that, deep down. it haunted me. it still does, sometimes.** she said, her last words were spoken in a soft tone.

i was looking around the bedroom, the silence invading the room we were in. the soft blue light of the moon was illuminating us.

— **my point is, the more you will think about painful memories, the more they will _kill_ you. _i'm here and i won't go anywhere, sam. you're my home. remember that._** i took her in my arms, her small body against mine. i was holding her like i was afraid i might loose her, but now for _good_.


End file.
